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3. regards I am a very loving and caring person that does not pick fights, but will defend myself for my safety. If i was a cheating, lying, deceitful, manipulative, coniving snake.. i doubt id ever want to take a good look at myself. It is a lesson that no one needs to learn through experience when they can simply and with much less emotional and spiritual costs, avoid EVER having to confront. So I guess I would ask you to ask yourself if you are grieving or co-dependent(co-dependence effects most of our relationships). Simply put, for me.. sacrificing my life for a never ending torturous journey for no gain became an insane choice. You need to say that he will need to pay the excess or you will be forced to contact his work (parents) about the claim requesting that the excess be paid out of his pay. Having spent New Year in a pub on my own I slowly discovered that I need to find out who the hell I am and not accept men to approve what I do I became very insecure with a lot of things that were to follow The silencing that he gave me was unbearable and I slowly realized that I am not to bear my feelings and accept being played to fit his fantasies Months went by and a year into our relationship I started to feel that I was feeling more depressed and felt very insecure about a lot of things that I started to think about suicide as an escape from my reality. I almost feel I dont even need to write my own post as pieces could be taken from almost everyones posts to write my story. Just food for thought. Who will love him if I do not? I totally adored him and over time his constant jibes, judgement, derogatory comments, nicknames, mocking and humiliation took its toll on my confidence. He started a few online groups too trying to get people to follow him. They bring their objective guidance, support and validation to your healing. I think the boss may be annoyed with him now because he is always finding stuff wrong no one else does hence making others look bad, hes been given some questionable stuff to do that I actually wondered if the boss is setting him up for failure. She can do so much better and deserves so much better. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand. Why are you afraid to respect yourself and not allow someone to cross your boundaries even once! My question was about not knowing how to hold him accountable when the things he does are small and not police-worthy: blowing up at me over perceived slights, put-downs, emotional distance, not following through on his word, his concerns taking priority, lack of caring and empathy. A lot of friends think he is amazing although a lot of friends see through him now. How to Stay with a Narcissist - Psych Central I am a school teacher, so I used many of the strategies I use to manage behavior with students, and they often work. I will pray for you! Thanks for all you do Kim! The first time my son met him he said that man is bipolar and several other people said that about him. Its very interesting to hear the different experiences people have had. Just as long as I stick to my boundaries. Perspective is all important and since a couple usually ends up living in the way the dominant partner prefers the other person can seem passive/ aggressive simply if they dont throw themselves into that lifestyle with the degree of enthusiasm the dominant person would like to see. Loss of supply - crying for themselves because they've lost a valuable source of supply. Ive learned a lot from this website, emails and posts. When I was looking for it and asked you, you said you didnt see it. I finally found an article about STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. I cannot take any more. When dealing with the childlike behavior and consequences another good place for practical steps is love and logic. I like some of the suggestion although I doubt it would work. My children and now oldest granddaughter cant believe how I do it with him. I do admit that I pushed too hard. But he invented all kinds of stories about how succesful he was. Im doing my best to deal with everything. If there is anyone who can possibly help us with the legal stuff, we would greatly appreciate it. How to Confront a Narcissist: 13 Psychology-Backed Tactics - wikiHow I told him that I needed him to make decision by tonite which ofcourse he didnt like at all. I have just learned in the past few months about these disorders. You cannot control his family if he is assualting you you need help from the police and Back From the Looking Glass will help you with that step by step. Emotionally it would have felt to me like defeat I couldnt make myself go that road I was shunned enough. He never leaves them unattended and puts so much pressure on them not to want to see me. In my case, the steps I implemented helped me face my co-dpendency and make strides to getting out of it fairly quickly. My husband never said he was sorry, no remorse, hasnt held a steady job 12 of 14 years. And thanks Kim for this site and your work. Hi Ann, I certainly agree with Kim. I saw that and I used that knowledge to my advantage. They walk around thinking they look perfect together and embrace the feeling of getting noticed. I was lucky to have had a professional recognize him for who he was before I fell into that trap. Should I stop saving him by having sex with him when I dont feel like it because of his behavior? The pain is lessening day by day , Kim, I love your blogs. You had just gotten your tax return, which was plenty to cover the debt but when I asked you why you didnt use that, you said because you wanted to have money in the bank. 5. I didnt set boundaries with him because i was so hurt by the sudden death of my husband. The best thing you can do is work on your own codependence. Very spiritual, as well. I am assertive and have boundaries, yet none of the above techniques worked. Although hes only hit me once and I know that sounds like denial but believe me when I tell you I have made it very clear to him that if he does it again one of us is goin to jail and one of us is goin to the hospital. I do feel very disappointed in him because this is our second go-around and this time marriage happened. And he was just as cool and calm. Another common way for a narcissist's lack of accountability in relationships is to withhold from you as a form of punishment. He wants him to be loved under all the pain my friend feels. I use to say to myself, o my goodness, how in the world will we ever get to the stuff that makes us want to be with people. Feeling ripped off - if they didn't get a sizeable inheritance. She is also a functioning alcoholic and has had an affair. Guess that is what still hurts him most. I went to the attorney with you. I also did not raise my voice when I spoke. Healing From A Narcissistic Parent - 7 Practical Strategies He has broken up with me in the past when I denied his marriage request (didnt get what he wanted and didnt need me anymore), he appears to take me for granted now with money, and has this idea of our perfect future. The Control Freak This parent sees their child as a person whose role in life is to make them happy and do as they say. A parable says, A leach has two sisters. I am so sorry to hear this Aspen, This is why we put so much stress on you being calm and very careful in how you approach the police. Whats the answer? My problem is as much as we want to move on, we cant because he wont stop contacting us, harassing myself and the kids and we have no protection. 14 Reasons Why Two Narcissists Often Fall in Love - Power of Positivity It was only recently when trying to find out if the man I love is a pathological liar or not, that I tripped upon information on narcissism. Required fields are marked *. Once a. Manipulative people, like narcissists, can hook their victims in with a tactic called "love bombing." It's the stage of the relationship where they identify their target, then make them feel like the most special person in the world by showering them with compliments, affection, and gifts. If I dont look at him in his eyes he says it is rude. I have no problem supporting him to a degree that is part of a partnership but it has been VERY one sided. After another long fight, I agreed to add it to your tab and for you to pay it back with your monthly payments. I got upset about this, and he doesnt see that he did anything wrong because hes single and can do what he wants.He says I need therapy because I react to what I perceive to be his lack of respect in an angry way. signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Holding a Narcissist Accountable - TheNCMarriage.com. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and loss. I was slapped, hit, kicked, bitten, told that I was not a man and it was all my fault for her behaving in such a manner. The only thing thats good about these types, is getting rid of them, knowing throughout their life, everyone else will dispise them too, sooner or later. (first disbelief, then unreal grief, then disbelief, grief, etc etc) Rather stuck in a cycle of griefIt doesnt seem like anyone could fake love as good as thatand yet, it isnt the kind of love one would want or expect from a husband, or at least he is unwilling (unable) to do that now! Ridiculous. Please! If you are still living with him you are going to need to be very strategic in figuring out how you can 100% limit the abuse. I have come out of the fog, realizing how much I have been lied to & manipulatedI had feel under is spell and had the gas lighting tactic used on meand I am wanting him to be held accountable for all the things he has broken of mineat the times he has acted out destroying my personal property. I was thinking and came up with. Hi. I wanted to share that last fall, I called the police to report that my husband was drinking and driving. I have been reading your articles for about a year now. Which I did. Dealing with the trauma resulting from a abusive relationship is really hard to do. Sigh:). Welcome my channel! I also know I hang onto him, at least by calling his answering machine almost every night once or twice because when I hear his voice mail greeting, I remember the good times between us, which were years ago and I dont have any replacements. You do not *ever* talk to a doctor about someone else without their permission, and you do not respectfully obtain permission by stating what you are going to need to do.. They dont out run their lessons. But narcissists do not like that idea. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. Then a few months later I found out from you ex-wife that you slept with her several times during the time you spent with her and your kids. I think mine married me thinking hed improve his station in life (although he said I could quit working before we were married) and was vastly disappointed at my low earnings after marriage and soon after my parents hints of creating a trust so that their money could not go to him, he left. And even hope disappears into the sea blindness. He became the most loving partner in life and we got married. Being a mom and knowing how much she had been through and not seeing you, I told you that was wrong and that I would buy her something. 4) During deployment you asked me if I would be OK with your parents moving in with us because they were going to loose their house. I relate to alot of what you are saying. I dont contribute to what they have wittnessed, he is doing a fine job of that by himself. They project those feelings on to others and are not capable of empathy. "I definitely attribute some of my anxiety to this. He is well known in Our small community. I know that if I just pull a little bit back, give him his own feeling of space he will be fine.. I say he suffers though of course he wont ever admit it. To shut down a narcissist, you have to be more prepared than . Id like to thank you for your work. Dear Kim, I have the book and the workbook and have been working on it. I feel I am saving my life. There are times I just want to say enough! Everybody want so know her. She and I wound up as live ins with no sex several times but I was no more to her than a paycheck and servant to do all the things in he house she didnt want to do. All the Best! So take kims advice and work on becoming your best and highest self, learn to set healthy boundaries, learn how to respond to criticism, learn to protect yourself, and learn to not be critical. Just what I have found throughout my life. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! It depends on what they are is the role he will play. You are right when you say talking does no good. My partners behaviour is exactly the way you describe. If they knew how much really love them, they wouldnt be so damn narcissistic I thinkbut when your heart cant feel, it does not know when they are being lovedeverything to them is rejection. Only you know. Partners were not there to be scapgoats. Here are some of the things a narcissist is afraid of: Losing control. So conclusion I dont think its wise to ask them would they feel more comfortable getting help from somebody else to help with the situation as they see this as a threat and if they are truly narcissistic they dont think they need help with anything. My hope and prayer is that this will help others as much as it helped me. (2) Damaged my car I have been scared of him & Several times I have ran to my car, locking the doors to get away from him& when I refuse to leave safety of my car, he threatens to damage my car if I dont get out of it, which has resulted in: door Handel ripped off, entire windshield wiper broken off, Three big dents in my door, cracked windshield and him keying my car. Welcome my channel! My family and friends did not expect me to make it out of my marriage alive. I loved him so much and I am still involved with him to an extent as we share property and pets. With two dogs and two horses close to your job, so we could be together and just had lost my mother to cancer two weeks before. Is it an NPD thing that they dont do phone calls? I find the advise you offer well intentioned but in my situation my relationship is over. That money was for her college fund. Literally, I thought it was me and I was being unreasonable. At the end of these emotionally exhausting talks, I end up talking to him as if he was 7 years old. Til death do us part. Thanks for listening, and thanks Kim for continuing to keep this subject alive with informative articles and discussions. The other problem we first had was that he thought that i was there to be angry at if he was upset about anything (even if it had nothing to do with me) I explained him immediately that i was not there for that reason. Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. I say, A job is important, it will make you feel worthy; and it will also make me happy. He is never wrong and will tell you so. 5 years later and Steve is still working with me at home and the new lifestyle he has learned here is simple, solid and dependable. When he gets mad about you making the police report you need to be ready to say calmly that he did thousands of dollars damage to your car and so of course you needed to report it to make an insurance claim. Sorry I dont have much time tonight please visit the page here , http://www.narcissismcured.com/12_Steps_to_End_the_Fights.html. He left and came back many times, but made a fool of me three months ago for the last time. I got out. This is why they move on so easily. I see Absolutely zero accountability for his very mean abusive behavior from him and no desire to do so either. We keep educating ourselves to belong to something, to excel, to achieve, to alienate all those in our own selfish path. And at times it does work. He hates most people. I have only learned that I must accept being crucified, and still have the opportunity to live forward. Boundary #3: Mistreatment will not be responded to with kindness, overexplaining yourself or increased attention, but rather a withdrawal of investment, time, and energy. If my friend thought he didnt need me, he would be gone as fast I could get my next breath out. 3. I insulted him, I judge him, I made his life miserable for some time. Let him ignore you, set your boundry and just walk off. This is certainly difficult. I have to ask money now for groceries and my parents have had to send money to survive on twice! )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. Hi Marie and welcome (-: I hope that understanding will help bring you to a place where you can begin to heal the hurt and move on. Unfortunately, my marriage held no hope. Thankfully, I can now see the forest for the trees and can see his manipluation and deceit for what they are. I immediately hated who I was becoming, he was trying to get me from being a mum to being dependent again (this was good!) It was days later that I discovered the truth after he got drunk and sent me my pics in a textsbut he of course had no idea how he got my pics??!!! It is down to only about 50% of the time being the disordered personality. I really am too frightened. I held on to what was left, did marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc. Slavery works like that; not freedom. It will put all of these blog pages, information, and the events and/or what is happening within your life into a healthier perspective. Councellors appear unable to help Do they really tell the truth the then. He has taken away so many things, but he could not brake my spirit. He drew me back in, and then I found out at the same time he was softening me up and I was letting down my guard he was seeing and sleeping with an ex-girlfriend! When he recently visited while I was putting bubs to sleep (after a month of serious sleep deprivation which Id been trying to pull some consideration or support from him with)he goes to sleep as soon as he arrives as hes had such a hard day.every day is hard in his world, he does to his credit go over the top. I had no life it was controlled and taken over by him. With two dogs and two horses, close to your job and being able to leave my kids in the same school since my daughter had moved schools twice already and my son was in high school and had just moved back. This was my effort at not throwing in the towel b/c i just dont believe all Narcs are useless to society. When a narcissist with a fragile self-esteem is held accountable he breaks into a narcissistic rage. I dont want them to be the victim or the perpetrator. But really, I am just angry and hurt. But talk about a grieving process to realize that all that you thought was real love was not. It is very enlightening. He goes overboard with some of this stuff. She was passed up the line again and again. Naturally being codependent I resolved that one and pretended all was fine but felt deeply hurt. I told him what I did and said it was better that way, that way we can avoid him being the middle man since I do all the banking anyways and it wouldnt cause a problem for him or us in the future with an argument over the ph cause of a misunderstanding and he got soooo mad telling me again how I dont know how hard some of his days are blah blah and thats when I said, I am NOT your punching bagyou wanna rag on someonerag on the person who first called you at a bad time NOT me. Hi Ann, This is why it is so important to not leave yourself in the position of being the judge. My husband is unbelievablely brilliant, cuniving, manipulative, and charming. How can you prevent this person raping you again? Somehow, we r having a long distance relation now, that makes it even more difficult to manage. Take good care. This meant I would not be able to see you for several days after you got back after you being gone for a year. He always managed to pull me back. It is not a control issue, but a stress reliever for your soul. Forever taking and never giving. 10 Ways A Narcissist Reacts When You Try To Hold Them Accountable. You need firm boundaries that are real and you need a new repertoire of comeback lines that end non productive conversations before they even begin. I have found dbt [dialectical behavioural therapy] to be very effective for ME learning to accept reality and deal with it effectively I have REFUSED to take the blame for his outbursts and now he knows that i really mean it, I have actually got several apologies that is progress indeed! I looked on the ph billhe talked with her for 6 min on that horrible day he was having, he never said excuse me Ill have to get back to you, Im busy, nope he chitty chatted and dumped on me. It is almost as if. Thanks to all of you as well. He isnt a major narcissist but has both narcissistic and borderline tendencies and at times he is a nightmare to deal with. Telling me Im stupid if I dont like his music, TV shows, food tastes etc.