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His father asked him three times what was wrong. ", Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump. A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. Then Little Susie says "I wanna be a prostitute.". Others were so-so thanks for the good laugh though! His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. "Reformed Baptist Church of God." Phatmass.com What is it my son? the pope responds. Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one? Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. Copyright Aleteia SAS all rights reserved. 19. Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!" Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour. I said, "Me too! The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers At risk is cross-contamination. Chief: Like the president? One more and I'll have a golf course.". Today's sermon: finding belly laughs in holy places. The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! St. Peter says no. Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business". St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. Think of the Blessed Virgin" One more and I'll have a basketball team!" 26022. Why can't Anglicans play chess? ', The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. You believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when you die. The Priest & The Taxi Driver - Funny Resurrection Jokes. A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. said the couple. Whats wrong? asked the frightened couple. "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. I am offended. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. One more and I'll have a basketball team." "Jesus said to John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." -He came fifth and received a toaster.". Scan this QR code to download the app now. The abbot asks, Well my son what have you to say. Powered by Invision Community. My sons, The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. Priest: Do you believe in the resurrection of the body andlife everlasting? Priest: Do you believe in the Holy Spirit and the holy Catholic church? "I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats. 8. Exclaims the priest Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that." It must be something in the air." People get ready, the 45 best Christian jokes are coming your way! Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. And - Father John - it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day - for those who work "shift" work. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want." "Eh, what are ya, protestant or catholic?" !, The policeman calmly whispered: Ill put it to you this way chief. Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard) By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Thanks to their partnership in our mission, we reachmore than 20 million unique users per month! God is watching the apples. The rabbi says, "You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids move out of the house and the dog dies.". His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop." Matt is married to a beautiful redhead named Liz and loves being daddy to their daughters and son! See more ideas about catholic memes, catholic humor, humor. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. 29 Confession Jokes. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. Continue with Recommended Cookies, if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'laffgaff_com-box-3','ezslot_4',170,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-box-3-0');Nun of these Catholic jokes and puns are duds that will make you cross! "Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John; he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it . Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan. 114 Bible Jokes That'll Lift Your Spirits. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? As Catholics, having a sense of humor is part of being Christian. The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. I ran over and said, "Stop! My sons, The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" Want to see fewer ads on Aleteia? One more and I'll have a championship basketball team." He just knew there was something fishy about it. The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! Can you go to confession for laughing? 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. I quit! Today's Video: 10 Hilarious Catholic Jokes. Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass." I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a golf course! One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team." St. Peter and Moses are clapping and congratulating the Lord. The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.' And - Father John - it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day - for those who work "shift" work. from Holy Apostles College & Seminary and an M.Phil from CUA. She asked if he had health insurance. St. Peter says no. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!". Roman Catholic Cartoon 10 of 269 results 'Do you have any previous experience as a Pope?' Cartoonist: Huw Aaron. He knew that dying for the Christian faith would pave the way to his eternal reward and . And the list goes on and on But I still feel guilty for laughingbecause Catholics feel guilty about everything! Here are ten Catholic Jokes that are sure to give you a chuckle! I have 17 wives. The drunk man looked up for a second, muttered in response, Hmm well, Ill be damned, then returned to his paper. I lost everything when the power went out!". Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos. An Irishman yells, "Oi, Yank! God is watching the apples. "There is nothing on this Earth for me." 3. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God. Heaven. Saintly Stalker. Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, jewish, racist. There's something about laughter that can restore the soul and provide some much-needed relief from stress and pain. Score: 4. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest, We are able to laugh at ourselves . He said, "I'm stuck on you!". A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?". He thought he was God. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs. A policeman notices and pulls him over. Why couldn't Jonah trust the ocean? Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important. I was just reading here that the Pope does.. Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. I said, "Me too! The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" So we have faith you'll find them as hilarious as us. Why?" Why cant Catholics travel at light speed? Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband? 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I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. "Met any Albigensians lately?" I didn't. 9. The priest replied, "I mean her legs. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?" Todays Video: 10 Hilarious Catholic Jokes, Live Mass Friday, March 3, 7:00 a.m., from the Cathedral Basilica of St. Peter in Chains, Merrick Garland grilled on anti-Catholic, pro-abortion bias during Senate hearing, McDonalds Filet-o-Fish history tied to Cincinnati Catholics, Meet the 6 American Black Catholics who are on the road to sainthood, Stations of the Cross by the Archdiocese of Cincinnati. When she finally got there, she was astonished to find there was no . Yet, living by the holy word does not mean one isn't allowed to have some good old-fashioned clean fun! A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. asked the frightened couple. Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." Matt holds an M.A. ", Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The priests says, It begins at conception. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?". And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop. For instance, it is said that when a journalist asked Blessed John XXIII (pope from 1958 to 1963) how many people work in the Vatican, the pope paused, thought for a bit and replied, About half of them.. 'Great!' A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. It's all gone! When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father., The second Catholic women chirps, Well, my son is a Bishop. Catholicism is hierarchical in that one person, the pope, is supreme head over the universal Church. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!" "Like what?" He was frightened. They have mass. and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. Bacon proves God has a sense of humor. The nun replied, "Oh thank heavens. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning." " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights. The burglar stopped dead again. asks the nun, totally shocked. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. "Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow. Protestant or Catholic?" As a non-catholic, all I know about Lent is it's another chance to start up that New Year's resolution you already quit on. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. Catholic Jokes - Try These One-Liners at Church! St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. 10:47 PM - 07 Feb 2016. One more and I'll have a golf course. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sincerely, When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate. "Me too! He read, The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt., His son asked, What happened to the flea?. Mosquitoes come close, though. The man replies Fine. Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?. "Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?" .css-tadcwa:hover{-webkit-text-decoration:underline;text-decoration:underline;}Daniel Esparza - @media screen and (max-width: 767px){.css-1xovt06 .date-separator{display:none;}.css-1xovt06 .date-updated{display:block;width:100%;}}published on 02/23/18. Score: 2. "No buts," said the Pope. Man: Yes, father. Who is higher than the Pope? The rabbit takes a look around and says, I think Im a typo.. Jokes about Catholics proved particularly popular, and not just satirical gags about the sexual peccadillos of some Catholic priests, which dominated the final list of the 10 most offensive jokes. Acne waits untill a boy's 12 before it comes on his face. At Marias funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, At last, theyre finally together. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. One of the reasons why Lawrence was able to find levity in such a dark situation was his belief in Heaven. Shocked, the nun says, "What did you just say?" 'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves. I said, "Don't jump." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- March 3, 2005 in Catholic Open Mic, Catholic Jokes I am in apartment 301. I said, "God loves you. I said, "Me too! Without humor this would be a lot harder. While reading the menu, the priest asked a question. After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. Cam42. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?" The Nun gasps and says, "What did you just say?". Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. That's blasphemy against our Lord." The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies, No use knockin buddy theres no paper in this one either!. Can I communicate with you somehow? He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it. T'is a shame, I tell ya!" The other says "I wanna be a Lawyer". There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog finally died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest: Priest: Do you believe in the communion of saints and the forgiveness of sins? The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven. Man: "I'm jewish!" With so much going on in the world, its important to take the time every once in a while and have a good laugh. God, T.O.R. 'OH, COME ON!!!' Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession. 'Tis odd, isn't it?" The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked "And then?" "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me." Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com. By The word flies around town. Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute." With so much going on in the world, it's important to take the time every once in a while and have a good laugh. A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families. Man replies "Who is that?" 25 Lent Jokes Even Non-Catholics Can Enjoy. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Chief: Who's more important than the president? This Hilarious Card Game Will Keep You In Holy Stitches (and Out of Confession)! The priest shakes his head Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well. The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze. An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. My sons, And the man says Yes. Mar 29, 2018 - "God has given me cause to laugh, and all who hear of it will laugh with me." Genesis 21:6. Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray." Most people give up a vice they have, and the anticipation of the withdrawal really gets their creative juices flowing. "You come to the front door of the apartments. He didnt tell me , The Pope: But I am the leader of the Catholic Church , St. Peter: The Catholic Church Never heard of it Wait, Ill check with the boss.. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Cop: More. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didnt work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? 55. 45 Funny Christian Jokes. They create many jams. It still exists!. The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal." "I think it must be the second coming," she replies. I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" And this is our cue to bring you our list of the best Bible jokes any faithful one will find funny, if not a bit . Some jokes are better than others. Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Jesus: Remember that fishing club Ive started 2000 years ago? First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. 50 of the Funniest Catholic Memes And Tweets Ever 1. Feel free to check out www.mattvandervennet.bandcamp.com. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" 100 Catholic Memes That Are Hilariously Funny. Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face. I didnt mean to come on so strong. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. I'm Jewish" The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. "Father, my dear old dog is dead. The rabbi again asked, "And then?" Order of Preachers. Are you Catholic or Protestant?" Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. "Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." Please, please, please add your own good, CLEAN, Catholic jokes in the comments section. Let me go find out,' and he left. Im a Protestant but am impressed by your candid descriptions of Catholic life. Because they'll dessert you. God, O.P. /r/Catholicism is a place to present new developments in the world of Catholicism, discuss theological teachings of the Catholic Church, provide an avenue for reasonable dialogue amongst people of all beliefs, and grow in our own spirituality. A few weeks after her second husband died, Sandra also passed away. "You call yourself the 'God particle.' Please stop bickering about such trivial matters, Could you be saying a Mass for him?" "What idiot named you Clarence?" Need a laugh? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. "Better than pork, isn't it?! 13. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!" Quarrel. The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. Christmas is when young children dress up in scary costumes, say trick or treat, eat candy. I don't know whether this meme deserves a laugh or a groan. "There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!" The priest shakes his head. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together. " Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! The priest, exasperated, cried "What else could I become? So have YOU ever?" The priest says, "Thank you so much. The rabbi asked, "And then?" We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. I almost have a football team!" Source: Jimmy Carr. So she did! You think someone who says "amen" while the Pastor is . Someone has plagurized the original and factual work. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives." Funny stuff . A sense of humor is a gift from God. Which would you like to hear first? They are religious titles. Love24. Articles like these are sponsored free for every Catholic through the support of generous readers just like you. Have you ever actually tried it?" Search ID: CS143839. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God".